Apologies - it took too long to publish this (or 'why I stepped away')

(Originally published August 2020)

I wrote what follows on/off over many months, never quite finishing it and, whilst I’ve just edited it down, it probably isn’t yet done. Nothing below is original or new - aside from it being written by me and builds on what I've shared before. It’s not eloquent or crafted with melody - but it’s heartfelt and a call to action from me to me, and maybe to you.

Discomfort

It’s uncomfortable to admit I was wrong, that I sometimes caused harm. It’s difficult to admit I was (am) complicit when not considering impact over intent. To admit I could have handled the situation better and to know I’m probably going to annoy some people - that’s scary.

Am I centring ‘me’ here? Yes for a short while, and that’s partly why I’ve decided to publish and draw attention. This is for people like me - if you’re white and aim to be an ally.

It’s not just gender

I was a founding member and the host of a women in tech group (ShfWIT) and a host for an agile meetup (agile Sheffield). I was also an active or background supporter for other tech/digital groups. Have you been called a meetup poster girl too? I stopped all that last year.

We were (very nearly) all white. I increasingly knew that wasn’t good enough but, hey, I was a volunteer - a busy person doing good things for free, holding events with a code of conduct which said ‘everyone is welcome’. I *even* spoke about it and wrote an article (please take a look then come back here), read lots, hosted an event to reinforce ‘it’s not just gender’ discrimination which can stop folk progressing in tech. Others kindly shared their experiences with me.

But then...

Through new friends and connections from those meetups and groups, I heard about and more clearly saw the discrimination people around me experienced in my adopted home city of Sheffield. I saw that sexism within the city and digital sector was talked about quite easily but not racism. (Having said that if another man tells me he’s never seen sexism in the workplace…). At events I was supportive of, about people I had collaborated with - I learnt of their microaggressions and prejudices. Of whispered histories, being brushed aside and words not being followed with actions.

I took part in discussions about how to widen participation, improve diversity and inclusion - too often looking for quick fixes, one-off events and not thinking about how we got here in the first place and what really needs to change.

Quiet privilege

I raised my concerns about what I was hearing and learning - clumsily and probably with the misplaced enthusiasm of a recent convert. I wrote out my discomfort and why the groups (and me) needed to be better.

Suffice to say here, I then stepped away. That was my choice and was partly cos I didn’t have the words and actions to set out what needed to change. That was completely on me.

I stopped supporting, attending or running some local groups because they were not inclusive (or actively working to be) despite, and this is key to me, others saying they wanted to reach out to all across Sheffield and the local region. Some groups were implicitly exclusive whilst claiming to be open to all. Words and actions had caused harm. I’ve no intention of sharing more as they aren’t my experiences to pass on.

There’s privilege in my decision. I'm fairly sure I let people down by doing so and by doing so quietly.

I hated it. I had broken the cosiness and you may know how unhappy I was. Some folk got defensive to and about me.

(Still glad I did though).

Other people contacted me (thank you) to say that they were aware of this or had directly experienced what I had outlined.

Why say this now?

I have to be more open. Not saying anything has been my reason, blocker or excuse for not doing more publicly. I went smaller. Sometimes I got quieter.

It’s not dissimilar to when I shared words about my mental health. I want again to reclaim what happened, remove some of the secrecy and reiterate what others have said before me.

It’s not for sympathy or acknowledgement. It’s because I and other white people have to do better. I have to stop being the problem. One step in doing that is to acknowledge I got it wrong.

I want people (including me) to pause and think:

• If organising groups are made up of seemingly middle-class, cis-gender, heterosexual, able-bodied, white people - why is that?
• If folk talk about building trust and working with hard to reach people, are you sure you’re trustful and easy to access?
• Why is it important to prioritise time and money on new so-called technical skills or events but not on the human skills and knowledge needed to be inclusive, equitable and anti-racist? In a city such as Sheffield and the wider region should we really have one without the other?

I don't have all the answers. I am learning, talking and striving to do better and I hope others will do the same.