Why I talk but don’t talk about my mental health

What follows is the right openness for me.

(Originally published November 2017)

I’m open about having mental health problems in the past. I’ve called it ‘sadness’ and ‘my mist’. When I hear that people should be more open about their mental health — I agree, though it’s insufficient for my reality.

This is my why.

If I was to be fully open, conversations could become loaded. If someone asked how I was — what would they really be asking? If I said I was ‘bit tired’ would they worry my mist was returning? For a time, my illness had been all consuming and I don’t want future conversations to be potentially charged in the same way.

I can’t un-share it. Who knows what the future will bring?

Years ago I spent lots of cash on professional counselling. I wasn’t ill enough to get urgent care from the NHS and luckily I had funds when I started to want to get better. There will always be a fear that my mist will come back. With a vengeance. Imagine the disappointment I’d incorrectly perceive from all the people I’d told I was well.

I don’t want people to be careful around me.

I’m self-employed. Who would want to pay someone ‘like me’? My response to that is that I don’t want their money or to work with them. But I do need to work.

It was my secret for a long time. A very long time. Being free of my secret was initially very scary. I had thought my mist was keeping me safe. Being open is also admitting I lied to people whilst I was ill.

Without my mist, I now rely on and trust myself and other people to be my scaffolding. Whilst I wouldn’t wish my illness back again, I believe it has made me stronger, more self-aware and empathetic.

In the early days of my recovery (which was not a straight road) I told very few people so a self-care kit was critical to me. Please gather your own kit if you have your own struggles.

I don’t need this kit in the same way now but self-care is not a cliche and each of the following are still important to me.

Mental awareness campaigns advise people to be open. That’s great. That is needed. Friends and family need practical and realistic advice on how to respond to that openness. The NHS and charities need the right channels and services to provide support at the required points of need. These things are even more needed.

When we’re advised to be open about mental health it’s about finding the right openness for you. Just don’t remain closed.

I’ve told the right amount of information to the right people and I’m convinced this helps me stay well. Please make sure you do the same.